


your reverence

by elliptical



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Angst, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dissociation, Hurt/Comfort, Multi, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Poetry, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-03
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-31 00:13:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6447688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elliptical/pseuds/elliptical
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Psiioniic has never been allowed to touch anyone with his hands.<br/>Attempting it does not go as planned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i wasn't sure whether to hard archive tag this or not since nothing is graphic. but mind the tags. esp the dissociation and past rape ones. ok cool  
> i meant this to be nauseating fluff and it turned into angst so i'm gonna write a follow up of gross pda to make up for it??

the leather slips from your fingers  
backs of palms, naked  
air-exposed knuckles  
faint purple-yellow scars marring the creased pathways  
(you had a long lifeline, once)

they have always been your reverence.  
they don't realize, really,  
twined on themselves  
artist, writer, interpreter, visionary  
a thousand songs of revolution tucked between two perfectly-matched bodies  
a revel of mortality  
a breath, whisper, dance, shoutscream  
(the flame burns bright because it knows its time is limited  
the sun burns without regard for it knows it is a god)

you tuck your arms close to your chest.

these fingers have never touched another troll  
no careful brushes of skin on skin  
no pushed-back hair, no warmth or cool  
these hands touched bodies through thick leather padding  
under orders and nearly always  
for pain  
sharp voices and commands and  
you did not want the whip across your own back.

in the factories, chained below a crust of sun-baked earth  
where the light and the stars never reached  
would not dare to penetrate the stillness  
too bright to comfort the damned  
the overseers said do not look back  
do not make eye contact  
do not speak  
do not touch  
do not touch  
do not touch

the psions whispered to each other -  
whispers that didn't rattle vocal cords,  
weren't real speech,  
didn't count under the beaten clauses  
one night the demoness will take us from this  
and we will rest peaceful  
bodies rot in the sun  
we have nothing to fear from death

it was not the demoness who pulled you from your own ruins  
the fall of your people  
they say it was yourself, when you  
crawled hand over hand from the pits when you  
pulled off your chains when you  
sparked at the temples bled from the mouth when you  
killed everything that bled blue and carried the children out on your back

you don't remember, really.  
they snuck into your factory and he spoke and she stood tall and proud by his shoulder  
you, exhausted from a triple shift, weak and bleeding  
your approach  
the way he reached toward you  
the way she gently touched his fist and asked you with her eyes  
/is this okay/is this right/are you safe/some people don't  
like to be touched  
you let his fingers rest warm on your cheek  
and what happened after that  
well  
they remember better than you  
(shh, shh, shh)

these hands have never touched another troll.

you can't do it.

the upset claws through your chest  
chokes your throat  
as the gloves fall away and they watch  
expectant, hopeful  
a thousand risen voices screaming singing begging bleeding  
every one of your own you ever felled because  
a blueblood stood over you and said  
cull the insubordinate  
the weak defenseless broken angry  
every pain you ever inflicted every  
spark channeled through skin every  
time you cried alone because you could not have warmth every  
deprivation of intimacy every  
time they told you you are monster  
you are less than  
you are unworthy (shh)

you are not worthy.

they don't know. they don't know what they are  
against you  
to you  
in comparison -  
the filtered starlight sprinkled down through the cracks  
through your cells  
an abstract infusion  
vitamin? nourishment  
healing the withered husk of you and  
good/healthy/pure/radiant/shining  
strong/smart/kind/gentle/caring  
push to  
bad/sick/broken/wrong/empty  
worthless/helpless/guilty/guilty/guilty  
(shh, shh, shh)

everything you ever suffered was  
deserved.

you don't cry out when you panic  
(those who do die)  
you don't scream or beg or thrash or fight  
(a witness - tongues cut out, torn ligaments, separated joints)  
you learned young to go very very quiet  
stay still and the pain lessens  
stay still and the predator won't notice  
you're still  
alive

this body has been touched.  
this body is not you  
you, a spark, a fire, the mortal candle  
melting dripping down reshaping  
imprisoned in the encased glass of the body  
oxygen running out  
but this body is not you  
this meat, sinew, organs, brain  
this scar, twist, tear, break  
you live inside a commodity  
mechanical rapture and  
the body does what you will not  
and stitches your mouth closed  
the body wants to live.

you crumple.

the thing about the body/mind/meat/brain is  
is  
you can't pull the walls down  
(defense mechanism)  
if you cried for the overseers to leave you be  
you wouldn't have survived this long  
the body wraps tape three times around your mouth  
wires your jaw shut  
presses fabric over your eyes and  
stuffs you into the back closet a whisper hiss of  
shhhh shut up shut up shut up

the body's mouth opens  
 _yessir/noma'am/iwanttobegood_  
the opposite of what they want  
you can't turn it off.  
if you could you'd never let them see this  
this broken  
synapse flare pain misconstrued stimuli  
danger perceived threat  
don't hurt me (no one will) don't hurt me  
(hurt you here no one will)  
don't hurt me i'll be good  
not their faults, their sin to bear  
and the way she swipes at her eyes  
the way his chest folds inward  
like you've kicked him through the gut  
you don't think they know.

time passes.

the body unmuzzles you eventually  
lets your eyes view colors again  
it pulled your gloves back on while you couldn't move  
laid you down  
they're on either side of you, not quite  
touching not quite  
breathing not quite  
daring to disturb your imprisonment  
you think he might have cried.

oh.  
you're never taking off your gloves again.

 _i'm sorry_ , you say, _i'm sorry sorry sorry_  
this your mantra, spoken prayer  
the only offering you have to give  
to your gods  
sorry  
like that will ever unglue your mouth and  
keep you from hurting keep you from  
losing  
 _i'm back now, i'm sorry, i'm here_  
 _did i hurt you?_

 _no,_ she says, fingers brushed against your cheek  
her own touch, life, breath  
like you asked because you can't  
breathe can't  
see can't  
orient  
when the body ties you down in your head  
 _you never hurt people_  
(except when you do)

he lays his hand on your shoulder, warm weight  
solid pressure, a grounding, no punishment  
you close your eyes you  
may have regained their use but you  
do not want to see his face.

_we just don't want to pressure you into anything you don't want.  
okay?_

he doesn't understand.  
you already know how to want  
but you don't know how to take -  
you can't connect the pan to the tongue to give them these words  
these affirmations this plea this pathetic  
want to run my hands over every inch of both of you make it  
me my body make it  
me me me make it my body my body make it -  
make you shiver shudder moan make you  
feel like the psionics do electric currents i want  
for me my hands _my hands_

you are not worthy.

will never be -

you pray your _i'm sorry_ s into the night air  
hitched breath, gasps  
ease back into calm soft  
touches soft words soft caress  
you are so cared for, here  
(you, not the body)  
words previously unfamiliar heavy on your tongue  
clumsy, tangled  
love  
hope

you are so loved  
but these hands can't touch another troll.

 _i'm sorry_ , one more time, an expulsion of breath  
prayer offered, prayer answered  
in arms wrapped around waists and head against shoulders  
calm after the storm  
shh, shh, shh, shh, shh

this body is a commodity  
unyours, untruth  
they love you more than it  
more than your sick  
more than your wrong  
more than your sparks  
that must be enough for now.  
that's all you've got.

sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> promised pda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the promised pda  
> and now i'm good with my ot3 poetry kick

there is a funny thing, about the three of you:  
you all have a place.

with each other, to this world  
for each other, under these stars  
against each other, through these oceans  
you've made each other home.

anywhere you're with them  
is home

cold, hungry, tired, sick, weak  
cranky, irritable, exhausted, fuckup  
not one damn care  
because they're home  
this is what love means  
when trolls ask, tug on sleeve  
approach the way they do them  
a rare occurrence but a dice-rolled possibility  
when you can't explain the quadrantless quadrantfull all-encompassing vastness  
the galaxies constellations nebulae  
you say

love is the people who are home

he explains it differently because  
he loves every troll because  
he sees them all as people  
a vast sea of individual experience  
a tapestry of concentrated effort  
the pinnacle of combined sentience  
love is yourself reflected in another's eyes  
love is an extended hand  
love is a war cry  
a battle, defiance  
a snarl, upraised fist, open palm  
 _we will not be prisoners to isolation_  
love is fire and wrath and vengeful gods  
divine retribution  
the stones the slaves salvaged from their culture  
your fundamental _fucking_ right to survive.

she defines love  
her own way  
an echo of his calls for mercy and justice  
screams to be heard through an unfeeling void  
love is the space between speech and understanding  
love is the hollow under your ribs  
ache and stab and pity and anger and lust  
every feeling burned through your veins every  
call to arms every  
bowed back every  
wound-pressed bandage  
the privileged learn to speak hate and conquest  
fluent in rage  
but the downtrodden learn to love.

she curls your fingers around your coffee mug,  
kisses your neck  
 _that's why they told you to keep silent._  
 _love is dangerous._

you laugh, helpless, into her hair  
 _i'm fucked up love's got nothing to do with it_  
but you remove your gloves anyway  
for her, for him  
for the space between you  
where you made home

a dilemma:  
 _i don't know who to touch first_  
and she laughs, soft, no malice  
 _it doesn't matter!_  
catch the twist of your mouth  
pain behind eyes  
because it does, it does, it does.

 _oh_  
the surge forward, twin moons  
pale red black ashen  
definition? syntax error  
feeling undefined  
each of them reaching for  
one hand  
one each, split attraction  
double need, exceeded parameters  
skin pressed to skin so close  
nanoseconds  
you can't say who touched first

you curl your fingers around theirs and  
cling  
breathe in, breathe out  
breathe in, breathe out  
breathe in, breathe

he smiles, dry amusement  
 _you can touch us more than this, you know_  
but you haven't drunk your fill  
warmth and cool  
callouses, rough patches, softness  
claws and freckles and dry skin  
so you skitter your psionics over his ribs to  
watch him fall back laughing  
tickled red in the face  
a point made  
and hands still held.

breathe in, breathe out  
breathe in, breathe out  
breathe in, breathe out

you don't dare to push their clothes aside  
touch where you want most  
not yet, not quite  
leave some to anticipate, to savor  
not enough time and all the time in the universe  
your seconds to count  
your love  
don't be selfish, now  
don't lose the threads, now  
you worked so hard to spin them  
through your covered claws

you keep it slow, when you  
press your thumbs against their wrists, when you  
lay your fingers against the crooks of elbows, when you  
brush freckles  
trace scars  
tug bodies into place against you  
where you're warm/cool/tucked away safe  
between them  
you keep it slow, breath even  
and follow the hands with lips  
and follow the lips with sparks  
and follow the sparks with more hands  
more soothing, more gentle, patted down feathers

you stay with them, this time  
in the spaces  
curled around them entwined  
breathing  
palpable energy, red and blue  
and when you've mapped the thrum of their pulses  
curves of their arms  
when you've tugged your gloves back on and  
let your fingers relax in the leather  
when you've gone pliant against them  
they touch you themselves  
gently, gently, gently

and you lose yourself  
(in a good way)  
because the body likes this  
(in a good way)  
both entities entwined, same  
wavelength same  
purpose  
to feel to want to believe  
safe safe safe  
(safe safe safe)  
(safe, safe, safe)

the body wants to live and  
you want your freedom and  
you love so hard so much so  
achy  
she kisses the inside of the wrist  
your wrist  
he nuzzles against the collarbone  
your bones  
and you

still broken, still healing, still struggle  
but just this once  
the body sighs and you  
lay inside them and  
it's good

it's so _good_

you breathe.


End file.
